One in Four

Sometimes it's hard to know whether to blog about certain life events. It's not like I'm an excellent blogger anyways and I always have fear that what I write may be taken the wrong way. But sometimes things happen in life that change you. And until it happens it happens to you, you can't understand the emotions involved and that a surprising amount of people around you have faced the same thing. On Thursday I was routinely scrolling through Facebook when I saw an image that took my breath away. Before this summer I would have seen it, thought of some friends, and honestly gone on with my day. But this year is different.

Apparently October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. And I am 1 in 4. 

I should go ahead and say here that every "I" should be a "We." It was Clark's baby too. We shared in both joy and grief. However, I can't personally account for what I am sure is an equal amount of complicated emotions for him. But I can say that I can't imagine a better, more supportive partner to weather this storm with.

So since this is the awareness month, I will share my story. I'm not looking for pity or attention. I just want to share so other Angel Baby Mothers can remember they are not alone. I'm not proclaiming that since I've had one I'm now an expert on the subject. I'm just sharing my own personal experience and hoping I don't misrepresent a whole group of women. Miscarriage is something society doesn't talk about, but deeply affects more people than we think. For those that haven't personally experienced a miscarriage, maybe reading our story can provide insight into the complex emotions involved and how to support those loved ones. 

Anyone who has known me for any amount of time is familiar with my love for babies and longing to be a mother. Even before we were married, I couldn't wait for the time when Clark and I would have brown-eyed babies. I {im}patiently waited through vet school. I {im}patiently waited until we had moved and were settled into our jobs. Then finally we bought a house. We were finally ready. Surely this was God's timing too!? And just like I would have pictured God to plan it, we found out were were expecting the week of our fifth wedding anniversary. Those two pink lines were the best anniversary present I could have ever asked for. 

We told immediate family members and a few people at work given some of the hazards of my occupation. The next two weeks were full of sweet excitement as we waited for our first ultrasound. During that ultrasound the baby didn't image as far along as we should have been. The doctors tried to be reassuring that everything looked healthy, but events over the next 72 hours made it clear that we would not be having a baby. 

At first I was sad and numb. It didn't help that all this was happening on a weekend that I was on call; a weekend on call that ended up being worse than usual. I know had a requested I could have had someone else cover (and they did for a while so I could get some sleep), but at the time we thought it might me good to carry on and keep my mind off things. It wasn't going to change the out come anyway.

Since then I've been navigating through a complexity of emotions that I didn't know I was capable of feeling simultaneously. I expected to be sad; sadness in the feelings of loss, emptiness, and let down of myself and others. Sad that I wasn't having a baby. 

Not too surprisingly, there was fear. I was fearful of the process and what it would leave me like emotionally. I was fearful that now that we've had one miscarriage that it was opening the door to a long road of future miscarriages and infertility. I was (am) afraid that we will never be able to conceive, carry, and have a baby. 

I kinda expected to be mad, but I didn't realize how sensitive I would be. I was mad that I live in a world that cares more about a dead lion than the loss of thousands of babies each year to abortion, miscarriage, and infant death. Being a veterinarian was tough for a while. I know our pets are precious to us like family and losing them is hard. But is was tough to counsel others while I was mourning the loss of human life. At times I was mad that those around me were quicker to give their condolences for the loss of a pet than the loss of our baby. I didn't blame them, it's just the situation and world that we're in. I was mad that I only talked to my doctor once during the whole process and during that time neither the doctor or other medical staff asked me how I was doing or if I needed any mental or emotional support. I was mad that each time I had to have my blood drawn I was made to sit in the waiting room surrounded by baby carriers and rounded bellies while grieving my empty womb. Most of all, I was mad I wasn't having a baby. 

What I wasn't expecting was the feeling of guilt. I felt guilty for being mad about all the above reasons. I even felt guilty for being sad. It was hard losing this baby, but others have been through so much more than I have-- multiple miscarriages, losing them later in their pregnancy, infant death, pediatric cancer, loss of spouses, etc. Did I even have the right to be that sad? I felt guilty that I had brought others into our happiness and then had to let them down too. I STILL feel guilty that I can't be as emotionally available for my close friends that are pregnant; that their pregnancy announcements brought tears of grief to my eyes rather than those of joy. It frankly embarrasses me and I'm so sorry to them. I felt guilty that my first attempt at being a mother, the job I was born to do, was a failure. Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? I felt guilty that I wasn't having a baby.  

From the beginning I've asked God to show me what He wanted from this and to let our situation bring glory to Him. For a while that's all I could manage to say to Him. And while I haven't figured out exactly what it is He wants, I know that it involves more reliance on Him and His timing. He's also revealed the ways we were blessed in the situation. I am blessed to have a God who is in control and has perfect timing. He has blessed me with a partner who is so loving and supportive. Clark is the quiet, understanding chest to cry into and says the right things when needed. I am blessed with incredible parents who drove up to be here less than 18 hours (since I had to work) just to sit and be with us. I am blessed to have compassionate and perceptive friends who seem to know just when to check in. I am blessed that as far as we know I am healthy and that we get to try for our rainbow baby. Until then I am learning, with the help of The Resolution for Women, to be content in the situation I am in as a happily married, childless, women. 

So if you meet a 1-in-4, I hope you'll have a little more understanding of what she may be going through. Nothing you can say will likely make the situation better, but somethings could make it worse. I promise I'm not singling anyone out, but statements regarding age and getting to try again are more hurtful than helpful. While we recognize you're just trying to provide hope in a time of despair, we don't want to have to try again. We want that baby. Try just telling her that you love her, that you're thinking about or praying for her. While everyone is different, in general all we need is for people to love us, support us, and recognize that we have faced a loss. So don't be afraid to bring it up. 

If you made it this far, thanks for sticking it out and hearing our story. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Transformation Tuesday

As I mentioned in my last post, I've been on a physical fitness journey. I want to share a little bit of my experience. Not to brag. Not to say THIS is what you should do to lose weight/get fit/be healthy. But to share what the Lord has empowered me to do and let others out there on their own fitness journey know that I am here, I understand, and I KNOW it is hard. I do not claim to be an expert or highly educated in human fitness and nutrition. I just want to share my story and what has worked for me in hopes that it will be helpful for someone.

 As of this week, I am 30 pounds down from my heaviest...

It has taken me 3 years, but I'm thirty pounds down. 

It took three years because the majority of the time I was dabbling; Weight Watchers for diet and some mix of Zumba and/or running for exercise. I would go for several weeks being strict and making progress then some holiday or stressful event would happen and I'd fall off the wagon. I'd lose eight pounds and gain five back. While they were vital to my initial progress, I eventually hit a plateau. The problem wasn't any of those components- each of them can and do work. The problem was me and the lack of accountability at that time (I was doing Weight Watchers online). Even when I was regularly exercising by doing Run for God through church and running with friends at work, I didn't make much progress because I couldn't commit to a healthy diet.

Insert CrossFit...
About 4 months ago I got talked into trying CrossFit. It was a small investment for 5 beginner classes and several other ladies from work were going as well... so, why not? I honestly did not think it was for me. I thought it was going to be too hard, too dangerous, too intense, too much for me. I committed to 5 classes with the thought of, "We'll see how it goes." Well, after 5 intense classes of drilling form with a quick application workout at the end, I could already tell a difference. I could do more than 5 burpees or push-ups without being completely gassed. I could tell the coaches really cared about the health and progress of each athlete. There were athletes of all ages, shapes, and sizes and a modification for each movement of the workout if you couldn't do it exactly as designed. It was a community of folks working on their own goals while cheering and pushing other athletes to accomplish theirs. I really wanted to continue on so I talked it over with Clark-- it was going to be an investment. But I had been to the $15/month gyms-- and I wasn't committed to go and I didn't see results. While joining CrossFit Staunton would cost significantly more than a big box gym, I would have a coach present for each and every workout ensuring my safety, form, and progress. And I would see RESULTS.

Now, I know there are a lot of CrossFit skeptics out there. You don't have to look hard or far to find articles that question it's safety, efficacy, and expertise of the coaches who sacrifice safety and form for weight and speed. I had a lot of those concerns too before I started. I can't speak for every CrossFit gym (or "box" as its called in most CrossFit circles), but my coaches put safety and form above all else. Even though each athlete has completed the beginner's classes where form was first introduced, we go over and drill form again and again before and during each workout. Additionally, each athlete should listen to their body. There's a fine line between pushing yourself to reach a new personal record and working outside of proper from and/or your abilities and causing injury.

Not only do the coaches at CFS emphasize physical fitness, but everyday  they discuss how without a proper diet, all the work in the gym is for nothing....

Insert Paleo...
You can't be in a CrossFit gym long without hearing the word "Paleo." At first I was pretty turned off at the thought. In general, I disagree with diets that exclude whole food groups. I personally feel that moderation is more sustainable  long-term, prevents people from "falling of the wagon," and when done correctly should give you the right balance of macro and micro nutrients. There were other things about the Paleo diet that didn't resonate with me either:
1) The "fad" effect: I didn't want to follow a diet plan simply because it was trendy and everybody else was doing it
2) The premise that this diet is "what our ancestors ate:" As a concept, OK- yes I believe that our ancestors ate fresh, in season, and non-processed foods. But as hard fact specifics- I am doubtful. And this part of the Paleo conversation normally involves the concept of human evolution, and as a Creationist I have hard time processing that thought.
3) The anti conventional agriculture mantras: Most Paleo food guides push organic, "natural," and grass fed. I'm not against any of things things specifically. I believe that society should have access to these things if they can afford them and it's great that farmers can make a living filling that demand. However, I am against the shame and fear based marketing that comes along with those products. It seems that a lot of our society has taken for granted that we have a healthy and plentiful food supply produced for us by less than 2% of the population rather than having to participate in subsistence farming like a lot of the world. Even within our own country most family cannot afford to feed their families this way and they should not be ashamed of that.
4) No dairy!?: While my job is not exclusively dairy or food animal medicine, I consider the dairy and food animal medicine that I do to be the most important part of my job. In addition to loving dairy products, it pained a part of me not to be able to "support" an industry that I love.

But the challenge was only for 30 days. Heck, I had even given up meat for Lent one time to try to better relate to and understand vegetarians. So I put my money in the pot, weighed in, did the before pictures and measurement, and completed the pre-challenge baseline workout. After 30 days, most of my reservations still held true, but I found there were some things I liked about the Paleo diet:
1) I actually THOUGHT about what I ate: Where we live it is very easy to hit a drive-through, order take out, order delivery, or go out to eat. It's so easy to do when you're tired at the end of a long day. Paleo made me think and plan and prep. We had a lot more meals made from fresh ingredients rather than fast food or box meal.
2) It made me eat VEGETABLES: even with breakfast!
3) It made me try new things: Prior to Paleo I had never cooked asparagus or spaghetti squash. During the challenge my spice cabinet grew, as well as my cooking skills and familiarity with preparing various fruits and vegetables.
4) The Results: at the end of the challenge I had lost seven pounds, about 5 inches, and improved 36 seconds on the baseline workout. The before and after pictures were pretty incredible.

After getting those results, I wasn't sure what to do after the challenge. I was resistant to Paleo for the before mentioned reasons; but it had a lot of benefits as well. It didn't take long before CFS started discussing the next challenge: The Zone Diet. Zone had much more appeal to me- not exclusive (unless you make it) and pushing for a balanced diet. We're five days into the challenge and so far... I'm hungry. But I'll wait until after the challenge before making passing judgement.

Finally, losing weight and working out takes commitment. My fear is that it is approaching obsession. I want this to honor God and to be good steward of the body He gave me and it not be an idol and take away from my time with Him, Clark, or other important aspects of life.

I know that was long, thanks for sticking with it! I will try to keep you posted!

End of the Year Wrap-Up...and the Beginning of 2015

Yeesh! Three months have passed SO quickly! I can't believe we are in the final weeks of 2014! Let's see where we left off...  Wait, what!? Yes, I started this post over a month ago...apparently this is how blogging goes for me...

Clark's birthday is September 19th. This year he wanted a good steak so we went to the Aberdeen Barn in Charlottesville. It was a interesting place with good food and different atmosphere. It's a little reminiscent of the Angus Barn in Raleigh. 

October was BUSY!! The first weekend my parent's came for a visit! It was short but we tried to make the most of it.Saturday afternoon we took a ride through the Shenandoah National Park on Skyline Drive (which is basically a northern extension of the Blue Ridge Parkway). There are only four entrances to Skyline Drive and we just drove from the most southern entrance at Rockfish Gap to the next one near Swift Run Gap. It was a new experience for all of us full of beautiful views!!

The next weekend we headed to Asheville, NC so that I could attend the Great Smokies Veterinary Conference put on by the North Carolina Academy of Small Animal Medicine. Each year veterinarians are required to complete designated hours of continuing education and attending a conference is one of the best ways to fulfill that requirement. The learning was good- but exploring Asheville was even better! The best part was catching up with my classmate, Justin and his wife, Megan over dinner at the Tupelo Honey Cafe. It was so fun to catch up and share war stories over an awesome meal. On the way home we took a slight detour to Hiddenite to see my family and eat lunch with them in celebration of my Dad's Big 5-0. 

Two weeks later we got to see Justin, Megan, and several other friends and classmates at one of my best friend's, Nikki, wedding. It was a wonderful celebration on a gorgeous day at Adaumont Farm. It seriously couldn't have been a more beautiful day. Apparently it was so fun, busy, and beautiful that I was only able to get one pic the entire weekend: 

Clark spent the last week of October at National FFA Convention in Louisville, KY. The Riverheads FFA Chapter had a very successful trip including the high scoring individual in the Dairy Evaluation CDE!

The following weekend we spent Saturday morning helping 4-Hers and FFA members get their steers ready for the Market Animal Show. Even though the show isn't until May, preparation is year around. "Nomination Day" as it is called for steers is always in November, and involves each animal getting a Market Animal Show ear tag, a starting body weight, and the opportunity for the animal to receive free vaccciations and deworming. I administered vaccines and Clark helped usher the kids and steers where they needed to be. It was a cold, but rewarding morning. Nomination Day for hogs and lambs is coming up in a few weeks.

While our trip home for Thanksgiving was short, it was packed full of family and friends! It's hard to know how to fairly divide our time, but we do our best to see as many folks as possible.

December was a whirlwind work and holiday preparation and celebrations. The joy of the holidays was quickly brought to a halt with the unexpected death of a Westwood family member. Jessee was a hardworking young man that seemed to have held every position at Westwood except veterinarian. While his family and friends will always miss him and are still coping daily with his loss, Jessee's funeral was truly a celebration of his life and a reminder of the importance of faith in Christ and living life to the fullest.

I was on call Christmas Eve and Day. It certainly was different not to be home this year. When you don't get to participate in yearly traditions, it's almost as if the holiday didn't even happen. While we couldn't be home with our actual family, our Westwood family made sure we had somewhere to celebrate. The Cromers had us over for dinner Christmas Eve and Day. It meant so much to us that we had a family to fellowship with and was a great reminder that over time Virginia will become "home".

Since I had to work the whole week of Christmas up through Saturday morning, I took the whole next week off. It was a much needed vacation, relaxing with family and catching up with friends. We even got to see Clark's nieces who live in Louisiana. It almost seemed like "old times" getting to spend New Year's Eve with the Rowan County crew and New Years Day with my Silliman family. As wonderful as it was to be...home... by the end of the week we were ready to go...home... Home is probably a word I've historically used too frivolously. In vet school I had three "homes": 1) Home to Clark 2) Home to Mom and Dad 3) Home back to Raleigh.  But now I think it is accurate to have two homes. North Carolina will ALWAYS be home and where we're from. Virginia is where we're making our current home and life. Throughout or journey here, God has provided ample reassurance to let us know this is where we are supposed to be.

On that note, 2015 is off to a great start and we're excited for what God has in store. We are currently taking the Financial Peace University course at church. We're eager to get Biblical guidance on our finances, especially as we look to buy a house this year and are trying to tackle my student loans. In addition to spiritual and fiscal wellness, I've been on a journey for physical fitness as well. More details on that to come!!


....Hopefully sooner than 3 months from now!!!